Milk!
by RandomAvocados
Summary: Milk...Ed can never seem to get away from the vile stuff...
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This was writen by me and my friend. We hope that you will laugh.

Disclaimer: _crying _We do not own Full Metal Alchemist or the Jaws music.

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Colonel Roy Mustang is walking through the hall, carrying a nice frosty glass of milk. Ed is also in the hall, talking to his brother, Al. _(Jaws music starts playing.)_ Dun…dun…….. Mustang is slowly getting closer. Dun…dun……He's almost there! Dun...dun…dun..dun..dun..dun

CRASH! Mustang bumped into Ed, and the milk went flying, soaking him.

"Oh sorry Fullmetal! I didn't see you cause you're so short!"

"WHAT! FIRST YOU SPILL MILK ON ME AND THEN YOU CALL ME SHO- MILK? MILK! AGGHHH! I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK!" Ed runs off towards the bathroom.

"Do you think he'll make it in time?"

CRASH!

BLARGHH!

"Fullmetal!" rang out Havoc's voice down the hall. "I just got these cleaned!"

"Guess not."

The Next Day 

It was an ordinary day, Mustang was sleeping on his paperwork, Hawkeye was shooting at random people, and Ed was freaking out at an unsuspecting person. And then with a strong sense of deja-vu, Jaws music started playing. Dun.. Dun… Hughes, carrying a giant glass of milk, was closing in on Ed. Dun… dun… The "accident" was about to happen… Dun… dun… dun... dun… dun…

CRASH!

"NOT AGAIN!"

"Oops! Sorry Ed!" Hughes said, sarcastically. "If you weren't so-"

"DON'T SAY IT!" At his sudden outburst, Mustang shot up from his slumber, screaming "I didn't do it!" Hawkeye accidently shot the Fuhrer, again. "ONCE AGAIN I HAVE MILK ON ME AND- WAIT I HAVE MILK ON ME? AAGGHHHH!" Like yesterday, Ed ran down the hall towards the bathroom. And, once again, he bumped into Havoc.

BLA-

"Not this time Ed!" said Havoc, through layers of Suran-Wrap. "I was prepared!"

Ed quickly turned around. Unfortunately for Armstrong, he was right behind him.

"Edward Elric!" He then ripped off his vomit-covered shirt, surrounded by his famous pink sparkles. "How dare you throw up on the breathtakingly ripped physique that is Alex Louis Armstrong!"

A Suran-Wrapped Havoc exclaimed, "Ahh! The light! I'm blind! I'M BLIND!" He then staggered away from the powerful light, bumping into walls.

"Armstrong!" Hughes called. "Put away the pretty light! Greatness is something that should only be experienced once in a person's life."

Armstrong picked up his torn, puked-on shirt. "Um… Does anybody have another shirt I could borrow?"

"None of us wears super-sized clothing like you, Armstrong."

"Right then. Edward Elric, can you fix this for me?" He asked Ed. Only problem was, the little pipsqueak was nowhere to be found. "Edward? EDWARD!"

"Maybe…" Roy said, walking up to the group. _This cannot end well,_ everybody thought. "Maybe the shrimp finally got so tiny, he disapeared into oblivion!" Suddenly a great blur was seen charging at Mustang. Before he could even react, a big chunk of metal collided with his shin.

"HOW DARE YOU!" shouted the mess of flailing limbs that was Edward Elric. "I AM NOT A PIPSQUEAK! YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT MUSTANG!"

Roy stood calmly, and snapped his fingers. Everyone that had any sense in them ran far away. Ed was still screaming his head off at Mustang. The colonel snapped his fingers again, but still this did not have any effect on Ed.

"I'm not surprised! You are so tiny, that the flames can't hurt you!" But this was not the reason that Ed was not on fire at the moment. He was in fact so heated up over his anger at Mustang that he was hotter than the fire. Suddenly Ed's hair burst into flames.

"I'll save you brother!" Al cried out. He then threw a pail of what he thought was water on his brother.

"Al? Why does this water smell suspiciously like milk?"

"What? Oops. Sorry Ed," he said apolagetically.

"Al! You better run!" Even though Al was being chased by a rampaging Ed, all he could think about was how humourous his brother's anger could be at times.

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This is my first fanfic, so please review and tell me what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

Finally...after months and months...I have finally gotten aroun to writing the second chapter!

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or Saran-Wrap.

Milk 

Chapter 2

The still saran-wrapped Havoc sat down at his desk and leaned back, putting his feet up. He sighed and pulled a spare cigarette out of the drawer. He then reached down to pull his lighter out of his pocket. There was one small problem though-his pocket was covered in saran-wrap. Too stupid to realize that if he just took the plastic-wrap off he could get his lighter, Havoc started freaking out.

"Must have lighter somewhere!" he exclaimed. He dumped out his desk drawers, but with no luck. Tearing apart the rest of his desk he went on a mad search for something to light his cancer-stick with. "Where are they? Where are they! Aha!" He found a box with a single match in it. He took it out and lit it, savoring the flame that it produced. Havoc brought it up to his cigarette but, as if in slow motion, he sneezed and the light blew out.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed, sinking to his knees and raising his hands to the ceiling. "Why?" he cried. "Why are you doing this to me?" Thick tears were streaming down his face, but he slowly got up, as if he was in pain, and started looking for a flame. "Must find fire, must find fire," Havoc repeated over and over. Taking two pencils from the mess that was once his desk, he started rubbing them together. For what seemed like hours, he sat there, rubbing.

Suddenly he got an idea. A wonderful idea. Havoc got a wonderful awful idea. He stood up abruptly, and raced out of the room. "Mustang!" he screamed, running down the hall. "MUSTANG!" He skidded into Mustang's office to find it packed with people. Hawkeye, both of the Elrics, Armstrong, Fury, Breda, and even Black Hayate were standing with a look of pure terror on their faces. In the middle of the room, dancing to 'Disco Inferno', was Colonel Roy Mustang.

"Hey! That's not fair!" Havoc cried out. "You're having a party and you didn't invite me!"

Hearing Havoc's shout, Mustang turned off the music. "What do you want Havoc? You just interrupted the best song ever! And shouldn't you be doing my paperwork?"

"Umm…..help me! Roy, you have to help me!"

"What, are you dying? Cause honestly, I don't care. Wait, what am I saying?" he then got on his knees in front of Havoc, begging, "Don't die Havoc! Then I won't have anyone to push all my paperwork on! Nobody will do it! And Black Hayate doesn't know how to sign my name yet!"

"Well, if I die," Havoc pretended to choke, "you can always get Ed to do it."

"Yes! Perfect! I'll push it all on the midget!"

"Midget! MIDGET! WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN AMEBA SO TINY YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE IT WITH A MICROSCOPE!"

"Ed, shut up!" Havoc screamed. "I'm dying here!"

"Don't die Havoc!" Roy cried again.

Havoc, now lying on the floor, reached up and grabbed Roy's arm. "Before I go," he wheezed, "can you light my cigarette for me?"

"I'll do anything just don't die!" He then snapped his fingers. It's really a shame that Roy can't direct his flame to such a small area as the end of a cigarette. Havoc's entire arm burst into flame. Luckily though, Hawkeye grabbed a glass of milk that was sitting on top of Roy's desk and poured it on him, putting out the fire.

"Are you okay, Havoc?" she asked.

"Yeah….it turns out this saran-wrap is fireproof."

Suddenly, a loud eruption was heard from Ed. "WHAT IS THAT!" he screamed. He was pointing to a splotch of white liquid on his left hand. "I HAVE MILK ON ME! I WILL GET RID OF YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL, YOU VILE LIQUID!" he screamed at the milk. Ed then did a transmutation on it. But it didn't only make the milk disappear, but also his left arm. "Oh crap!" he cried. "Winry's gonna kill me!"

So...review time! Tell me what you think of it...please!


	3. Chapter 3

Milk 

Chapter 3

As quiet as he could be, Ed tiptoed through the house, seeking out his culprit. He found her fixing Den's automail, which looked very rusty. Slowly, very slowly, he snuck up behind her. 15 feet away. She was bent over the metal, examining it closely. 10 feet. There was a look of pure delight on Ed's face. 5 feet. From out of nowhere, a wrench came sailing through the air, hitting Ed square on the forehead. The next thing he knew, Winry was sitting on top of him, and his foot was twitching.

"Ya know, even though you're the size of a shrimp, you still make a lot of noise!"

"Who are you calling a flea so tiny you can squish it between your fingers!" Ed screamed, flailing his limbs.

"I keep saying, if you just drink your milk-"

"You know I won't go near that stuff with a 39 ½ foot pole!"

"Relax, Ed. It's just milk. Which reminds me, why are you home? You only come back if you need-" she stopped, for Ed had just taken off his coat, revealing the stump that was his left arm.

"And how did you manage that?" she screamed, while taking a wrench out of her tool-belt and taking aim.

"Winry, please! I can explain!"

"It was the milk huh?" Winry asked while throwing wrench after wrench at Ed. "The milk made you do it, right? I'm going to end you lactosephobia once and for all!" She then stalked out of the room, leaving Ed twitching on the floor.

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"I tried to warn you Ed," Alphonse said while thousands of stray cats climbed on top of him.

"Is it my fault that I have an obsession with hating milk! I mean, that stuff is gross! Vile! Foul! Nasty! Disgusting! Atrocious! Repulsive! Nauseating! Ummm…Crap! I ran out of good synonyms! Al, do you happen to have a thesaurus on you?"

"Yeah, actually I do." He opened his armor, and thousands of cats fell out and landed on the ground in a giant meowing heap.

"How do you fit so many in there, Al?"

"It's a gift, I guess. I know I have it in here somewhere." He started sifting through the cats that were still in his armor, looking for the thesaurus. "Oops, sorry Mrs. Flufflufagus. Oh, Mr. Tinkles, not again! Move out of the way, Sugarplum. Excuse me Mr. Pink Sparkles. Aha! Here it is!" He pulled out a chewed up, peed on book and handed it to Ed. "There you go."

"Umm…thanks?" Ed took the book by the corner, and held it at arms length. He flipped through the pages until he found the one he wanted. "Now where was I? Oh yes. Appalling! Loathsome! Revolting! Sickening! Unwholesome! Dreadful! Ghastly! Gruesome! Frightful! Offensive! Al! The rest of the page is chewed off!"

"Oops, sorry Ed! Sugarplum Fairy likes to bite things. Sometimes I think that she thinks she's a dog."

"I need to attach your automail Ed!" Winry called from the house.

"Fine!" Ed screamed and raced up the lawn, Al following, leaving a trail of kitties behind him. "I'm coming!"

"Nice to see you Ed," Winry said in a pleasant sweet voice. A large smile was plastered on her face, and she was giggling slightly.

"Winry," Ed said hesitantly, "Have you been drinking anything lately? Like milk? Or steak sauce?"

"No, Ed. Why ever do you ask? And besides, I have to agree with you. After giving it much thought, I have decided that milk is utterly repulsive. No pun intended," She added as she took a sip from a brown liquid in her hand.

"You have seen the light! I have converted you to anti-milk-ism! One down, 7,418,880 more to go!"

"Don't be silly Ed." She giggled and took another sip.

"Will you be joining me on my quest to rid Amestris of the vile liquid that calls itself milk?"

"Ed, you're funny." She smiled and, yet again, took a sip of the drink. It seemed Ed had only just figured out she was holding it.

"What's that?" he asked, pointing to the glass.

"Oh, this?" she said, holding up the glass and shrugging. "This is just a chocolatey beverage. You want some?"

"Chocolate? Give it to me!" he grabbed the glass out of her hands.

"But only take a sip." But Ed took one gulp and downed the glass. Winry smiled and walked away, saying she was going to get some more. Al snickered.

"What's so funny?" Ed said, who had a brown mustache from the drink.

"You do realize that was chocolate _milk_ don't you, Ed?"

"WTF!" Ed screamed, jumping up and spitting, although all the milk was already in his stomach. "I JUST DRANK MILK! WILLINGLY! BUT IT WASN'T WILLINGLY, RIGHT! 'CAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS MILK!" Ed started ranting to himself. "BUT WAIT, IT TASTED GOOD. WHAT AM I SAYING! IT'S JUST BECAUSE IT WAS CHOCOLATE, RIGHT? YEAH, THAT'S IT. OH, I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK!" He then ran off, covering his mouth with his hand. Both Al and Winry, who had been watching, were laughing hysterically.

THE END

Now review...or I'llsend the milk-loathing pipsqueakafter you!MWAHHHAHAHAHA


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